Sunday, June 29, 2008

The grass is always greener...

Why do we always want what we can't have?

Guys always seem to find nothing more attractive than a girl who's unavailable, unattainable, or uninterested.  Interested in a guy?  Tell him you're unavailable and you will be magically and immediately inundated with calls/emails/texts/carrier pigeon messages/singing telegrams/whatever. Curly-haired girls spend hundreds of dollars and hours of their lives blow drying, straightening, and otherwise frying their hair in hopes of getting in stick straight, while I have actually purchased multiple sea water (seriously) products in hopes of getting the wavy hair I can only get from a day at the beach. BTW, I recommend Bumble and Bumble Surf Spray.

This wanting-what-you-can't-have is true in the bigger scheme of things too. Having had a relatively unstable childhood, I have always craved stability and familiarity. Unstable isn't the right word (it's 5am right now, diction is not my priority) - my parents, in treating me as an adult/peer instead of a child, and relocating our family several times, taught me the importance of being independent and strong-willed; sociable and empathetic; cosmopolitan and curious.  And I'm so grateful for that.  But the constant moving around, always leaving friends and making new ones, really took a toll.  I wanted to start my adult life in one city, with one group of friends, to have just one life.  But after finally having that stability in college (and even that involved a year abroad, different groups of friends, a myriad of extracurriculars), I realized that I only craved it because I never had it. I actually cannot stand consistency!  Another reason to love the big apple.

I honestly have no idea where I will be this time next year, and the uncertainty doesn't bother me in the least.  I signed a year's sublease recently with the peace of mind that, should I move within a year, my new apartment is great enough of a place that I can easily find a subletter to sublease from my sublease. Ha ha...

This week, two of my best friends in NY decided to move out of the city (...and country...and continent...and hemisphere!), leaving me sadly wondering with whom I will share my time.   They haven't left yet and I already feel that I will miss them so much.  Another good friend is, as a result, without a roommate, leaving her to realize that friends have moved in and out of the city so much that she has not lived with the same person for the entire term of an apartment lease.  It's so easy to meet people in NY, and I am lucky to have a lot of friends here, but really good friends worthy of my time/energy/trust/friendship are so rare.  I only say "rare" because, again, it is 5am and I cannot think of a better and more extreme word.   

So now I've realized I like the ambiguity that being a 20-something-year old with no idea of what I really want to do with my life (let's be honest here!) - it's great! What I really want now is what is truly unattainable. INFINITE TIME! Haha, really, isn't that the answer to all our problems in life? Friends moving away? No probs - infinite time means I could get a second job as an incredibly successful day-trader, make ridiculous amounts of money, fly my friends on a Citation X, and it'll be like they never moved.  Infinite time would mean that I wouldn't be limited to 168 hours per week to be a superstar at work, to spend time with my friends & family, to read everything ever printed, to work out until I am Madonna-toned but not so manly-looking, and to do everything that makes life beautiful. Now isn't that the dream? 

To get to the point, sometimes we are troubled by not getting what we want.  But it's probably not even what we want, because what we want is something we don't even realize we want because we are too preoccupied with wanting what we don't actually want but think we want.  So don't be sad if you don't have everything you want in life.

Huh? WhaaAAaA? This was an excellent use of 25 minutes of my life at 5am.  Time for bed! Or iChat with someone in another time zone!

Word count: way more than 250, oops.


BGG_A said...

you can't always have what you want! and trust me, i know it.. but i'm a strong believer that its all meant to be. if its supposed to happen, it'll happen. :) so don't regret anything, and you'll grow from every experience.

anyway, friends do come and go. but true friends will always be there for you in a heart beat (no matter the distance). things won't be the same, for sure. but we'll all be ok.. we'll stay in touch and plan trips together.. spending new years in brasil (hint! hint! haha)..


ps- i love that you're writing this blog.. so pls keep it up!

Jesal said...

wow - your post sounds so existential and Buddhist. anyway - i agree with A. i believe in true friendship. the kind where it doesn't matter what you do [or don't do ;)], how far away you are, or how long it's been since you've last talked. OH and i also believe that those friends who keep leaving us ALWAYS come back, even if it's just for a visit.

bgg_c said...

ohh dear friend! Truly touched by this entry! but dont u worry, cause wanting to do everything and have everything is better then having no ambition. so really enjoy this moment of ur life, especially in this amazing city that never sleeps, to enjoy every moment and opportunity, every friend and every lover! and about us, don't u worry, cause we will always be around. we are a bb ping away anytime u need! see u in a bit! kiss, c